Why do you like your friends?
I started thinking this morning about negotiation strategies and how to bridge the gap between two people who don’t see eye to eye. I always start thinking about this around election time. An image – actually, a whole video – popped into my head.
You have two people, each blindly focused on what they want. Then…CONFLICT! And then they find common ground and a new reality. This is a simple analogy for what happens when people disagree and how to find a way out. And to drive that point home, in the video they are wearing headphones – clearly demonstrating that when one is focused only on what they want, they are not listening. It’s genius.
So, why do you like your friends? Because you have things in common. You like the same foods or activities. You can see things from their point of view because you understand their perspective. Because they might say something that interests you, you are actively listening. Communication can flow. You can discuss all sorts of topics, and even debate issues you don’t see eye to eye on, and yet the conversation keeps moving forward because you have common ground.
So what happens when you don’t have common ground?
Wariness, skepticism, lack of listening, defensiveness, anger…
You’ve seen it, right? You have. I know I have. You’re trying to communicate an idea to someone and you can tell they’re not onside with you. You see it in their face. They aren’t listening. They are planning what they are going to say – how they are going to shoot down your idea. Now, even if they have a point, you’re not going to listen to them because they aren’t seeing your side. So you stop listening and start planning your response. Now we have two people talking at each other, no people listening to each other, and each one getting more and more frustrated. This conversation is broken.
What’s the solution? Common ground. Before you present a fully formed idea to someone who might be opposed to it, find out what they want.
- Is there a problem you are both trying to solve?
- Is there a feeling (stress, anxiety, being overworked…) that you share?
- Are they in a similar situation? (Tough boss, short deadlines…)
- Does your plan have any specific benefits for the other person?
Before you launch in, find some common ground. Even if it’s not about the situation. Maybe you can first chat about how long it’s taken for the copier to be fixed, or which barista is faster a the local coffee shop, or a vacation destination you both visited. The effect is the same. When you find common ground, walls come down. Listening happens. People are more open to ideas.
Will a little common ground fix every head butting conversation? No. Some conversations take more negotiating skills than that, but a little common ground goes a long way.
This is my dog Shelby and me out for a walk on a freezing cold beach. We did not have common ground that day. When I figure out how to find common ground with pets, I will let you know. Lol.
