Use your words.
Was this a phrase you heard from your mother or grandmother when you were young? I definitely heard it. This phrase was firmly directed at me when I was angry or upset about something and attacking people rather than clearly explaining the problem. We all fall into the trap at one time or another. Language can be hard to find when emotions run high. We can identify a basic feeling like anger or shock but not the nuances, or the specifics that led up to the feeling. And if the feeling needs to change, it can be hard to see a way out.
More and more I am seeing this behaviour in business. Think about your workplace. Have you had an emotional blowout at a co-worker or employee? Or have you been on the receiving end of one? Neither side is an enviable position. If you’re the one who exploded, you’re likely feeling embarrassed and worried about howto make it better. If you were on the receiving end, you’re likely feeling angry and distrustful. Whether you were part of the situation or just a casual observer, you know that these events deteriorate the work environment and impact morale, efficiency, and productivity.
Why does this behaviour happen? As much as I love technology, I am going to place some of the blame there. When face-to-face and telephone conversations were the only way to interact with people we were forced to develop communication skills if we wanted to get anything done. Consciously or unconsciously, people learned how to listen, structure thoughts aloud, acknowledge, paraphrase, and be open to learning new information.
Technology allows us to communicate information without considering the other person and their feelings or reactions.
What has changed? We are less inclined to be vulnerable and face our fears. That’s what I think, anyway. My clients tell me this all the time: “I would rather send an email or a text. I don’t want to call. I don’t want to have to deal with their reaction.” That fear is real. I remember when I was a kid and had some friends over to my house. We pooled our cash and decided to order a pizza. Because it was my house, I had to call. I was terrified. I didn’t want to call. I had never called to order a pizza before. I didn’t know how the conversation would go. My brother laughed at me. Mocked me even. “What do you think will happen?”he asked. “They might say no!” He laughed at me, and eventually I laughed at myself, and then I called and ordered the pizza. Spoiler alert, Gino’s Pizza didn’t say no. I hadn’t thought about why I didn’t want to call. My emotions kicked into high gear and I wasn’t thinking clearly.
When do these emotional, explosive and unprofessional situations happen in the workplace? When someone has screwed up, when something has been lost, when expectations haven’t been met, when someone is asked to do something unpleasant/unexpected…these are just a few examples. Emotions take over and suddenly someone is raising their voice, throwing insults, making connections that may or may not exist. What isn’t happening? Listening, asking questions, and considering other pieces of information that impact the situation.
Ok, so I’ve described your workplace. I know. I’ve been there. REALLY. I’ve been there. So, how do we fix it? Let’s break it down.
The receiving end.
If you’re suddenly on the receiving end of a tirade, here are a few tips to help de-escalate the situation:
- Remain calm. You can’t put out a fire with more fire.
- Take deep breaths and listen. Somewhere in the tirade is the heart of the issue. The person exploding is afraid, upset,worried, unable to cope, or furious because of something that has changed. Also, once they start, they need to blow off steam. If you interject without listening,their emotions will intensify. Listen and try to identify what they are feeling nd why.
- Acknowledge what they are feeling. This one feels scary, and it makes a HUGE difference. How might that sound?
- “These new numbers have really made you angry.”
- “I can see how upset that phone call has made you.”
- “I recognize that this mistake has put you in a very difficult position and you’re feeling embarrassed.”
If they know that you see them and their feelings, they will start (I said start) to calm down.
- Ask them what they need. You may know how to solve the problem, but they may not be ready to hear solutions. Finding out where they are at will help you position your response.
- Do your best to give them what they need. This might be a big one. You might have really screwed up and lost a client or caused the stock value to go down. What they need might be you honestly admitting a mistake and taking steps to make it right. The only way they can hear your apology is if they are calm. Or maybe you didn’t make a mistake at all, so you need to draw their attention to facts and factors they can’t see. The saying goes that ‘somewhere in the middle lies the truth.’ Try to find middle ground and move forward.
The delivery.
And what if you’re not on the receiving end. What if you’re the one full of emotion and not using your words? Deep breaths, my friend. This lesson is for you.
No one respects the bully.
Whether you deliver your tirade loudly or softly, if you’re on the attack and not working to solve the problem,you will lose the respect of your co-workers. They may fear you. They may comply and complete tasks, but they are no longer on your side. In fact, now there ARE sides.
So how do you use your words?
- Think about the situation that has got you riled up. Identify the FACTS of the situation and try to separate them from the emotions you’re feeling. Take notes. Writing it down will help you see it more clearly.
- Imagine the impact of the situation. Will you lose a client? Lose money? Lose face? Clearly identifying what will happen next will help you find solutions. Don’t solve the problem just yet but do start thinking about next steps.
- Consider how and why this might have happened. Who is involved? What factors may have come into play? Put yourself in other people’s shoes.
- Schedule a time to chat with the person/people you need to speak with. An ambush just intensifies the feeling of being bullied.
- When you’re talking with the people involved:
- State facts (not emotions)
- Ask questions – e.g. How did this situation happen?
- Ask more questions – e.g. What information am I missing?
- Ask even more questions – e.g. How do you feel about this?
This is key. If someone has screwed up, they will likely beat themselves up more than you ever will. They will feel embarrassed – especially if you are taking the high road –and that feeling of embarrassment actually helps them change their behaviour
- Problem solve together – e.g. I have some ideas, and how do you think we can best fix the situation?
Even if the situation is serious and someone requires a reprimand or worse, including them in the problem, the impact, and the consequence will help them accept what happens next.
We spend an enormous part of our lives at work. The people we interact with every day matter –whether or not we would choose to spend time with them outside of work. Not using your words escalates to workplace bullying in a heartbeat. It’s unprofessional,disrespectful, and it doesn’t work. If it’s happening in your workplace – even if you’re the one making it happen – it’s not too late to make a change.
