Passive or Not-So-Passive Aggression. Don’t you just love it when one of those rears its ugly head? This morning I observed a classic example of Not-So-Passive Aggression delivered in a fairly public forum and it got me thinking. The whole situation was about a set of handwritten instructions that were a bit confusing, but that really isn’t what I started thinking about. No, I started thinking about intention.
Did the person who wrote the instructions intend for them to be confusing? Did the writer have a secret plot to ruin the reader’s day with miscommunication and subterfuge? No. We are often so focused on the impact of someone’s behaviour (in this case, the resulting confusion) that we rarely think about what the other person was trying to do.
I was standing in line at Canadian Tire today. I had to go to the customer service counter because I was exchanging a soda stream canister. Behind me a couple was discussing an incident that just occurred. They felt the cashier had been rude in regards to their transaction. It had to be rung in and then voided. I don’t know why. I didn’t ask. What struck me in their rehashing of the incident was how often they said “I don’t know why she did that.” They viewed the entire incident from their own perspective and never once asked themselves “I wonder why she did that?” They assumed intention. They seemed to assume that this Canadian Tire cashier woke up this morning with an agenda to be rude to them. I started to wonder about the poor, maligned cashier. I wondered what had gone on in the transaction, and then, I really started to think about how complicated (or not) the cash system is at Canadian Tire.
What is the process of voiding a purchase? Do you have to get a manager to sign off? Do you have more paperwork at the end of the day? Could the cashier have been mad at the system and the customers got it wrong?
We are always the star of our own movie. Everything that happens around us is about us. That’s pretty much how we are wired. But can we engage in the practice of wondering about intention. When someone slights you, was it their intent to do so? If you are rude to someone, did you mean to be? Or was it a reaction to something else?
I don’t think most people plan to make mistakes or screw up. Most people are trying their best and for some reason (seen or unseen) mistakes occur. I think most people’s intentions are to do good.
So here is your homework. (What?! Homework?!) Focus on intention. Yours, your boss’, your mom’s…if the situation goes awry and someone feels slighted, was there an intention for that to happen. Wonder about intention. And see where that takes you.
